According to Dr. John Evoy, a psychologist who spent his entire career working with clients who reported rejection as their early childhood experience, written in his book entitled “The Rejected:”
Rejection is an emotionally toned knowledge that one is not loved and wanted for themselves, by one or both parents.
Not being wanted or loved, especially by birth parents, sets the stage for a child to feel, for the rest of his life, that no one will ever really want or love him/her.
Those who have experienced rejection tend to see the world through dark glasses. Everything they view has a negative downside. The rejected predict that everyone they meet will reject them. They seem to be always looking for words said or left unsaid, facial expressions, tone of voice or body language that get interpreted as rejection. This is especially true for wounded individuals who are very sensitive and long for and do their best to promote harmony.
For a person who is in relationship with a rejected individual, life can be quite arduous, because regardless of how hard the partner tries to please, to show love in various ways, to admire, compliment and adore, it never seems to be enough for the rejected one. Rejection is always expected because in their early character forming years, when they are unable to attach to a parent, rejection has become their normal.
The results of Dr. Ron Rohner’s 50 plus years of international study regarding how children determine whether or not they were and/or still feel rejected, are as follows:
– Warmth and affection
– Hostility and aggression
– Indifference and neglect
– Undifferentiated behavior
Sadly the repercussions to those who felt the pain of rejection early in life last a lifetime without intervention and psychological help.
Compared to children who felt loved, children who feel rejected are at greater risk for developing specific forms of psychological maladjustment. These feelings and behaviors are often associated with:
– Behavior problems – attention getting- This is the child in school who cannot follow the rules, get homework done, and is generally unruly/ Many are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and given medication, when what they really need is to be understood and helped through the rejection they are experiencing.
– Conduct disorders – respond with rejection of authority – Does not obey society’s rules and conduct life accordingly. It is characterized by behavior that violates either the rights of others or major societal norms.
– Delinquency – Think that rules are to be broken. Choose to get into trouble by doing things they know are against rules or guidelines. crimes or other morally wrong acts : illegal or immoral behavior especially by young people
– Criminality in adolescence and adulthood – “If I’m not given what I should have, I’ll take what I want.” This is the mindset of many victims of rejection. Years ago, Dr. John Bowlby studied rejected homeless children living on the streets of London. He discovered that the children were little thieves, but they were not stealing items that were needed for survival. The stole shiny, pretty things that would make them to feel better about their personal value, even for just a little while. Pieces of foil to moderately expensive jewelry made the children happy, temporarily, at least.
– Depression and Depressed affects – “What is wrong with me that my parent’s couldn’t love me?” This hangs over one’s head for a lifetime. Some of the physical effects include erratic sleep habits, loss of appetite (or increased appetite with atypical depression), constant fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, and back pain.
– Substance abuse (drugs and alcohol) – numbing out the pain – The pain of rejection is a lifelong ache, and not knowing what else to do so they don’t have to think about their rejection, they drink, smoke and take drugs.
– Addictive behaviors – Addictions stem from the inability to attach well to parents. Addictions are attempts to fill their emptiness with an addiction – any addiction.
In addition – Personality Issues:
– Hostility – Rejection creates anger because it isn’t fair. Antagonism or enmity.
– Aggression – Results from a seething anger because they feel unloved. It is an action of violating by force the rights of another, particularly territorial rights.
– Passive Aggression – Passive aggressive behavior can manifest in many ways but has the common feature of non-verbal negativity, resistance, and confusion. In relationships, it is a form of emotional abuse that is insidiously destructive to open and honest communication
– Emotional unresponsiveness – Unable or unwilling to engage in any emotional conversation or demonstration of emotional warmth. Blank affect and minimal conversation.
– Immature dependence or defensive independence – especially as it relates to parents. Many will count on financial support from the rejecting parents well into their 40’s and 50’s, while others run away and do their best to “divorce” their hurtful parent(s).
– Impaired self-esteem- “How can I be worth much if my parents didn’t love me?”
– Impaired self-adequacy – Especially occurs when as a child, the person was criticized and “put down” a lot.
– Emotional instability – Emotions are all over the place from sad to glad from angry to pleasant, depending on what is happening in their current experience.
– Negative world-view – Glass is always ½ empty. He original wound of “not being wanted for themselves for who they are” is an albatross around the neck of the rejected. When other rejections occur, the earliest rejection pops up to haunt and discourage and even depress. Often suicide or at least the attempt is the result.
In addition, Dr. Rohner’s research has determined that a father’s rejection is often more strongly related with negative developmental outcomes such as:
– Conduct problems
– Substance Abuse
God created a male to be Provider, Protector and Priest. Without the male present in a child’s life, the child lacks a sense of security.
One can see why the Enemy is doing his best to remove men from the home and family.
Having said all of this, it is beneficial to understand what additional life experiences can cause a person to feel rejected. We are simply going to list them here:
– A difficult or forceps delivery
– Unwanted or adopted child, or one of the wrong gender to please parents
– Late in life baby
– Baby born in an attempt to fix a troubled marriage
– Premature birth with needed extended hospitalization
– Birth defect (real or perceived)
– Not bonding with parent(s) at birth
– Father not actively involved with the child
– Child born out of wedlock
– Child called names perceived as negative by the child
– Fighting between parents
– Communication lacking in the family
– Childhood abuse – actual or perceived (Physical, Emotional or Sexual)
– Excessive nudity in the family
– Child expected to be older than their age
– Child left alone too much OR child was smothered (overly protected)
– Child told that they are to be seen and not heard
– One or both parents addicted to: Alcohol, Drugs, Work, Religion, etc.
– Parent puts child first and neglects the spouse
– One parent does all the discipline
– Child made to feel overly responsible
– Child compared to sibling or someone else
– Affection and praise based on performance
– Being raised in EXTREME poverty or wealth
– Divorce of parents
– Abusive parents
– Remarriage of parent – competition between child and step-parent
– Inconsistent discipline
Quite a list, isn’t it? How many can you check off personally? How many could your children check off if they were doing the list?
The amazing thing is:
If You’re Teachable, You ARE Fixable!!!!